For a reason….

Hello eveybody.

Well, it is very strange to be blogging again after a period of time where I haven’t blogged about myself at all. I firstly want to thank my readers who took part in my dissertation questionnaire posted in my previous post. It helped significantly and I am currently in the middle of writing up the results ready for marking, so thanks for that.

So now we can get onto the reason why I am blogging at midnight-ish on a friday night. My love life is onee big pile of crap! haha let me not just leave it there: I will elaborate.

You may remember that in my previous posts I have mentioned most of my exes, in one sense or another, and that post ended up being gits (for non-UK readers, this word loosely translates to asshole/idiots). They either cheated, or generally treated me like rubbish. There was one I didn’t mention but we will get onto him later. So, all my exes are exes for very good reasons. If they were worth keeping, I would have kept them.

However, in the past 4 weeks, every single ex apart from one has got back in contact with myself. In one instance, this was after 4 years of absolutely no contact. This has extremely hard for me, because I am not sure how any one else would react to this, but all the feelings that I had for these men just started to flood back. Not good. Many more tears have been spent over these guys in recent weeks.

The most recent to message me was ‘M’ – we will call him that to preserve his identity. He was my first PROPER boyfriend: by proper I mean I was at age when I understood what a relationship meant and how serious things could get. And they did with him- we were engaged and considering life together. Yes there was distance but what did that matter? He was there for me in very tough personal times, and he cared about me. Oh it mattered, people. For one reason or another, we split. He now says it was because of his paranoia and that he thought I was better off without him.

“WHAT?!?! you thought I was better off without you? how could you think that? I died inside when you left!” All the feelings of love flooded back. He kept complimenting me, saying he had always loved me and still did love him. He still found me attractive, and that I still made him the happiest man alive. oh god this man still has my heart.

But then I fall back to ground with an almighty THUMP! he is still married to his wife, who I suspected he was already seeing when we split. Yes, he keeps saying that things are going wrong between him and his missus, but they have a child. who am I to come in between that, whether he thinks things are going wrong or not? I am no one.

So in the space of 2 days, I have gone from being surprised that he got back in touch, to bang in love with him all over again, to being heartbroken realising that it will never happen and that I was probably just a little bit of imaginary fun to tide him over.

WELL, NO MORE! Even if it means I am single for the rest of my life, I will not be guilty of splitting up a marriage and a, what seems to be, happy family just because I am stuck in some childish love sick state. Exes are exes for a reason, and I think it is important to remember that. There may be occasional situations where getting back with ex partners can work, but most of the time, it fails because it wasnt meant to be.

So that is where I leave this post, still single and hung up on the memory of a love lost 6 or 7 years ago. So next time, I will be catching you all up on the recent dates I have been on and how it feels to still be single as I approach the end of a very important period in my life – the end of university life.

Thank you for reading, hoped you enjoyed it. See you all next time. Love, C. xx