Mighty Honesty

Hey guys. So, today I am posting a different sort of post. Its one I have been debating about posting because it does expose me to alot of criticism and also a lot of heartache. But i think it needs to be said, because i CANNOT be alone in feeling the way I am about to describe. However, I hope to show you the reasons behind your feelings, and how to deal with them when they manifest themselves. Here we go.

Okay. So. As I said in the previous post, I have this ‘thing’ starting with Mister. And its great and lovely and he is wonderful. However, there are issues. And these issues arise solely in my brain.

They show themselves in different ways. I seek constant reassurance that everything is okay. I cant make decisions regarding ‘us’ in fear of upsetting someone. I get a bit antsy if he doesn’t text me back. I constantly second guess everything he says for signs that he is going to be the same as Set Up Guy. And sometimes- just sometimes- i get annoyed. Not with him persay, but just in general and I shut down.

At the end of the day, im massively insecure. And this is not a good thing. I am subconsciously letting these insecurities infect my new loveliness with Mister. And today I came to a striking revelation- i am actively allowing my old relationships to influence my new thing with Mister.

That isn’t fair on him.  it isnt his fault that ive been cheated on. It isn’t his fault that I have previously felt like relationship breakdowns were my fault. Therefore, why am I taking these insecurities out on him?

if im honest, i dont know the answers to this  but what I do know is that I am going to make a conserted effort to not allow this anymore.

So, I now wish to put a small paragraph directly to Mister, in the hope that he will read this:

I understand that the way I behave isn’t always ‘normal’, and I appreciate the way in which you handle me. However, i want you to know that I am sorry that I act this way, and that I am taking out my insecurities on you when it not your fault. Therefore, my promise to you is that I will try to work on my decision making, and my antsiness. I know you need space because we are still independent people living seperate lives (no matter how much I want our lives to be together). I will take a chill pill when it comes to texting you, and will let you have your own space. 

So, dear readers, try not to let your past relationships define your behaviour like mine have. Realise that you are a wonderful person, no matter what your situation is. When something lovely comes along, hold onto it and don’t let it be dirtied by the dirt flung up from your past. Love it for what it is.

Honesty is the way to deal with these feelings. Admit that you feel this way, and you will be on the way to understanding them. Then, communicate. Talk to your partner and explain your past. They will then be able to understand the reasons behind your feelings and over reassurances (and cuddles if you are lucky). Then work on changing your outlook and realise that this partner isn’t the same as the others. Yes, your paranoia could be telling you that he/she will turn out to be the same as the others. But until they have done something to give you this impression, it is unfair on them to tarnish then with the same brush.

Keep tuned for future posts about love, life, and everything in between.

Lots of love,

C,X

The Beginning Of Everything New……. And The End.

Hi guys,

It feels very weird to be writing to you lovely people after such a long hiatus. The last time I posted was in March, and I have wanted to post since as ALOT has happened. However, due to many reasons, the timing just hasn’t felt right. But now seems as good a time as it is ever going to be to fill my lovely readers in on whats been going down. So strap in, and get ready. It has been a roller coaster of a few months. (I apologise in advance for how long this post is, so I recommend reading on a long journey or on the toilet or something of that nature :D).

OKAY. Here goes. So about two months ago, my lovely lovely lovely best friend set me up with this guy she has known for years. He was sweet and kind and caring. He was everything that I needed after numerous failed dating attempts, as catalogued previously in this blog. I needed someone who was on the same page as me in life in general, and someone who was willing to take me as I am, damaged but, deep down, ready to love whole heartedly. It was a long distance thing, but when you get to where I am in life, you kind of don’t care anymore because you realise that if something or someone is worth having, then distance isn’t a huge issue. Anyway, He travelled down to spend a weekend with myself and my best friend and I have to say I have never felt more at ease with someone so quickly. Yes it was awkward at first, but he was lovely and it was nice. Really nice.

“Lovely,” I thought to myself. “Maybe this is exactly what you need. Just nice. I mean, the rest of your life is kind of a mess so maybe this quiet attraction is what you need. Just some background noise to life.”

So, after 3 lovely days, he was gone. He went home and I remember saying to my best friend how much I could feel myself falling for him already. This has always been an issue for me – falling for people too hard too soon. But apparently he felt the same way so all way looking good.

Then came my best friend’s birthday and her son’s birthday trip to the zoo. Now obviously, I was going. I freaking love a zoo trip. And originally Set Up Guy wasn’t planning on coming down. However, he changed his mind so he was coming down for a few days, and then I was travelling back with him to meet his parents and spend some time with him in his comfort zone. Dear Reader, I don’t mind telling you at this point that I was pooping my pants with nerves but I kept telling myself it would be okay.

And it was. It was so enjoyable, and he bought me red roses. My second favourite flower. What a gentleman. Such a sweet gesture. We went to the zoo, and spent incredible time together. Then we travelled back to his and I met his lovely family and everything was going so well.

“Now, Charlotte, don’t panic. But this is going so freaking well. He seems perfect, and despite your best efforts you haven’t been able to find anything wrong with him. So maybe now is your turn to be happy for a while. Maybe you can breath easy for a while….”

OH HOW WRONG I WAS.

A week or so after I got back from staying at his house, I get this bad bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. He had been telling me that as soon as I got on this coach home, he missed me and that he wished I could have stayed. He told me he was super excited to see me again. Due to this bad feeling and general rubbish situation at home, I went to stay at my best friend’s house overnight. Now this is where it gets a bit weird.

Me and C (best friend) say goodnight, and i get all cosey in seperate rooms. I doze off into a sort of light sleep. At around 1am, C comes in and wakes me up saying “whats happened hun? I got a weird text from Set Up Guy”.

I have no freaking idea what any of this means. So she explains that her text says that he wouldn’t blame her for hating him after what he has done. I look at my phone and there is a single text from him, explaining how he had just kissed his best friend who he has fancied since before I was on the scene. My heart sinks and i throw my phone. C asks to see the text and I automatically go into shut down mode. “I’m fine” I tell her, lying through my teeth. She knows me so well though and knows that at that very minute, all I needed was my own company. So she goes back to bed.

I am not ashamed to tell you guys that I got no sleep that night. I stared at a blank wall for 7 hours, silently crying into a pillow case which still smelt of Set Up Guy from when he had stayed the night.

And if I to be totally honest with you guys, there hasn’t been a single night since where I haven’t cried. I think it was made so much harder by the fact that Set Up Guy called all the shots that night. He was the one who kissed someone else, and he chose to break up with me. Really, the decision to break up should have been mine. But I was willing to try and work through it. Because I really frigging liked him.

So ever since then, I have struggled between this mental state of turmoil over the fact I had no say in the matter, and a thought process about whether or not he was just trying to find an excuse to break up with me. Now bare with me while I explain this thought process to you because most people look at me a bit sideways when I say stuff like this. Okay so we got together while I was staying at his house. And really, we were already a couple but then there was suddenly this label attached to it. Maybe that freaked him out and maybe he felt he couldn’t just talk to me about it so he decided he needed a way out. He had no real explanation for kissing her other than he was drunk, and he didn’t want to fight for me. All these things added together make me believe that actually, he didn’t want to be with me and so kissing her was an easy way out.

I still don’t know for sure to this day, a month after all this happened because he refuses to explain anything to me. But, I guess it is now time to just leave that where it belongs- in the past. It still upsets me but I think that is more because I don’t understand how one day you can like someone, and then the next you just don’t.

So he is now blocked and deleted, and that chapter is over. Onwards and upwards should be the saying I put here but, as you will find out in next week’s blog post, the term that is more fitting for me is ‘onwards and backwards’.

One last thing I will add though is that through this whole bloody drama, my best friend has been my whole world. I could not have asked for a more real, or honest, best friend. Even her boyfriend is just great and has given me a kick up the backside when I needed it. So a big thank you goes to them because without both of them I may not have actually been here to post this.

So next week I will be discussing my dreadful and unplanned actions after things broke between me and Set Up Guy. Hope you can join me then.

Laters Lovelies.

C, X.

For a reason….

Hello eveybody.

Well, it is very strange to be blogging again after a period of time where I haven’t blogged about myself at all. I firstly want to thank my readers who took part in my dissertation questionnaire posted in my previous post. It helped significantly and I am currently in the middle of writing up the results ready for marking, so thanks for that.

So now we can get onto the reason why I am blogging at midnight-ish on a friday night. My love life is onee big pile of crap! haha let me not just leave it there: I will elaborate.

You may remember that in my previous posts I have mentioned most of my exes, in one sense or another, and that post ended up being gits (for non-UK readers, this word loosely translates to asshole/idiots). They either cheated, or generally treated me like rubbish. There was one I didn’t mention but we will get onto him later. So, all my exes are exes for very good reasons. If they were worth keeping, I would have kept them.

However, in the past 4 weeks, every single ex apart from one has got back in contact with myself. In one instance, this was after 4 years of absolutely no contact. This has extremely hard for me, because I am not sure how any one else would react to this, but all the feelings that I had for these men just started to flood back. Not good. Many more tears have been spent over these guys in recent weeks.

The most recent to message me was ‘M’ – we will call him that to preserve his identity. He was my first PROPER boyfriend: by proper I mean I was at age when I understood what a relationship meant and how serious things could get. And they did with him- we were engaged and considering life together. Yes there was distance but what did that matter? He was there for me in very tough personal times, and he cared about me. Oh it mattered, people. For one reason or another, we split. He now says it was because of his paranoia and that he thought I was better off without him.

“WHAT?!?! you thought I was better off without you? how could you think that? I died inside when you left!” All the feelings of love flooded back. He kept complimenting me, saying he had always loved me and still did love him. He still found me attractive, and that I still made him the happiest man alive. oh god this man still has my heart.

But then I fall back to ground with an almighty THUMP! he is still married to his wife, who I suspected he was already seeing when we split. Yes, he keeps saying that things are going wrong between him and his missus, but they have a child. who am I to come in between that, whether he thinks things are going wrong or not? I am no one.

So in the space of 2 days, I have gone from being surprised that he got back in touch, to bang in love with him all over again, to being heartbroken realising that it will never happen and that I was probably just a little bit of imaginary fun to tide him over.

WELL, NO MORE! Even if it means I am single for the rest of my life, I will not be guilty of splitting up a marriage and a, what seems to be, happy family just because I am stuck in some childish love sick state. Exes are exes for a reason, and I think it is important to remember that. There may be occasional situations where getting back with ex partners can work, but most of the time, it fails because it wasnt meant to be.

So that is where I leave this post, still single and hung up on the memory of a love lost 6 or 7 years ago. So next time, I will be catching you all up on the recent dates I have been on and how it feels to still be single as I approach the end of a very important period in my life – the end of university life.

Thank you for reading, hoped you enjoyed it. See you all next time. Love, C. xx

“Let’s just be friends”……

Hello again guys. So, I haven’t posted in a while, and today I want to talk about a very sad state of affairs.

Some of you may remember that the last time I posted, I had met a guy who, on paper, was perfect. 110% long-term boyfriend material in my eyes. Well, things have been going swimmingly for a month/a month and a half. Dates were fun, interesting, and never without laughter. Hand holding and cuddles were lovely. In my mind, things were getting pretty good, and I was beginning to fall very hard for this guy.

**** and then those words that no one ever wants to hear were uttered…… “I think we should just be friends”. I mean, eesh. At this point, I am very confused. Did I do something? What is going on in his brain? As if this phrase wasn’t enough, he even pulled out the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. So yesterday (when this was all happening), all the blooming cliches were coming out. I had only, earlier that day, been talking to my best friend about how he was amazing. How I was sure things would pan out with this guy and how I was certain it would be a very serious thing.

When I was having a little cry and shoving a bag of maltesers in my face (I regret nothing), I got to thinking that somewhere along the line, we/I/he obviously got very confused as to how this was meant to carry on haha.

So, where did the wires get crossed? Well, unless I have been a right mug, it must have been after sunday evening, as we went out on a date on sunday (cinema, meal, spot of shopping), and I even met his parents (which to me, and I imagine atleast half the population, is quite a serious step). So at some point between me leaving on sunday evening, and wednesday evening, something went very wrong. And I have no idea what it is.

I think the fact that I don’t know why, or the thought process behind it, is making the situation harder to deal with. I mean, yes i understand that sometimes people just dont click, but I was getting all the right signals from this guy. But I have to come to terms with the fact that he is sticking to the “its just a feeling I have” story, so I will probably never understand it.

Where I go from here? Well, I guess now it is back to the drawing board that is the dating game and wait to see what happens. I have half resigned myself to the idea that 20 years from now, I will still be sat here writing a single life blog. But who knows hey. Only time will tell.

What I will say is that my friends are amazing and have been so supportive since all this hit the fan so I want to say a massive thank you to them for being the best in the world.

See you in my next blog, where I will let you all know what the game plan is now. Thanks for reading.

C, x.

Love your life

Hey guys. I’m back. Sorry about my lack of post last week- I was on a family holiday with no access to internet. To be honest, it was nice to get aware and collect my thoughts regarding my life and what has happened recently. Its amazing what a difference some space can make.

I have decided that things with the guy I had been speaking to are calming down as he has moved away to, effectively, a whole new country. At first this made me quite sad because it was nice to have someone to pop to the cinema with, someone to talk to! However, dwelling on such things won’t change them. Therefore I am looking on the positive and trying to meet other people. Back to good old online dating hey. But this time round, a more relaxed attitude will be taken because I am in a place where I am happy on my own. I have my university work, I have family, and I have friends. So a man will not complete my life- he will only enhance it. A perk, as it were.

So yes, just a quick update this week.  But I want everyone to remember that your life is not made by a relationship. Yes they are nice, and yes it does sometimes feel like the single life is a bit rubbish. But hey, you are a whole person. You should be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else. No one else is going to complete you as a person. So live life happy and enjoy the single life. I mean, think about it, one day when you are married or in a serious relationship, you won’t be able to do anything on your own anymore. So enjoy it while it lasts.

See ee you all next week where I will hopefully be talking about long term relationships/marriages, what makes them work, and what singles can learn from such relationships.

Love, C. X