Mighty Honesty

Hey guys. So, today I am posting a different sort of post. Its one I have been debating about posting because it does expose me to alot of criticism and also a lot of heartache. But i think it needs to be said, because i CANNOT be alone in feeling the way I am about to describe. However, I hope to show you the reasons behind your feelings, and how to deal with them when they manifest themselves. Here we go.

Okay. So. As I said in the previous post, I have this ‘thing’ starting with Mister. And its great and lovely and he is wonderful. However, there are issues. And these issues arise solely in my brain.

They show themselves in different ways. I seek constant reassurance that everything is okay. I cant make decisions regarding ‘us’ in fear of upsetting someone. I get a bit antsy if he doesn’t text me back. I constantly second guess everything he says for signs that he is going to be the same as Set Up Guy. And sometimes- just sometimes- i get annoyed. Not with him persay, but just in general and I shut down.

At the end of the day, im massively insecure. And this is not a good thing. I am subconsciously letting these insecurities infect my new loveliness with Mister. And today I came to a striking revelation- i am actively allowing my old relationships to influence my new thing with Mister.

That isn’t fair on him.  it isnt his fault that ive been cheated on. It isn’t his fault that I have previously felt like relationship breakdowns were my fault. Therefore, why am I taking these insecurities out on him?

if im honest, i dont know the answers to this  but what I do know is that I am going to make a conserted effort to not allow this anymore.

So, I now wish to put a small paragraph directly to Mister, in the hope that he will read this:

I understand that the way I behave isn’t always ‘normal’, and I appreciate the way in which you handle me. However, i want you to know that I am sorry that I act this way, and that I am taking out my insecurities on you when it not your fault. Therefore, my promise to you is that I will try to work on my decision making, and my antsiness. I know you need space because we are still independent people living seperate lives (no matter how much I want our lives to be together). I will take a chill pill when it comes to texting you, and will let you have your own space. 

So, dear readers, try not to let your past relationships define your behaviour like mine have. Realise that you are a wonderful person, no matter what your situation is. When something lovely comes along, hold onto it and don’t let it be dirtied by the dirt flung up from your past. Love it for what it is.

Honesty is the way to deal with these feelings. Admit that you feel this way, and you will be on the way to understanding them. Then, communicate. Talk to your partner and explain your past. They will then be able to understand the reasons behind your feelings and over reassurances (and cuddles if you are lucky). Then work on changing your outlook and realise that this partner isn’t the same as the others. Yes, your paranoia could be telling you that he/she will turn out to be the same as the others. But until they have done something to give you this impression, it is unfair on them to tarnish then with the same brush.

Keep tuned for future posts about love, life, and everything in between.

Lots of love,

C,X

Taking the plunge.

Hello again, my lovely readers. Wow, this week has been very emotional to say the least. Ive been on so many ups and downs its been crazy, and some of which i’m going to share with you in this post.

So, you will probably remember that in previous posts I had mentioned about this guy who, it is fair to say, is amazing and any woman who couldn’t see that would be stupid. You will also remember that this is the friendzoned guy, and I was debating whether or not to say something to try and escape the friendzone with him.

Well, dear readers, I decided that this was the week. This was to be the week where I was to tell him my feelings, he would tell me he felt exactly the same and that we could run away into the sunset and be happy. Well, I lie about the last part, but I was dreaming that the first two parts would go, to some extent, according to my dreams. YEAHHHHHHHHHHH, that didn’t go according to plan. Lemme tell you.

So, I had had a glass of wine – this was the only way I was ever going to get the courage up. I texted and, in my infinate wisdom, blurted out that I was wrong to have said we should just be friends, and was it possible to ignore that. Well, his reply baffled me, as he was confused……. not confused at what I had said. I mean, he is very brainy so if that text had confused him I would be a bit surprised. No, he was confused about his feelings. hm, not the response I had been looking for.

Now, at this point, I could probably have analysed this response in a number of ways.

1. He is genuinely confused.
2. He is letting me down very gently.
3. WHAT THE HELL DOES CONFUSED MEAN? YOU’RE CONFUSED. GOD HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL. I HAVENT LIKED SOMEONE THIS MUCH SINCE MY LAST SERIOUS BOYFRIEND FOUR YEARS AGO. THIS IS SO WEIRD FOR ME.

Yeahhhh, at the time I went for the last approach. I didn’t know what to do with myself to be honest. In retrospect, the first was most likely as he is a very honest person, which I truly admire. However, at the time, I felt like such a prat. I had just basically blurted out this huge feeling and given it to him. He probably thought, ‘what the hell am I supposed to do with this?’ haha.

When I look back today, I realise that I probably could have had a bit more tact. I blame the drink personally. I could have had a calmed outlook on what ever response he gave me. I should have taken what he said at face value and not read into it. This is something I have a real issue with, and he has even noted on it haha. Lastly, I should have calmed it. I mean, I know I feel like there is a rush to put some sort of finality to whatever is going on, as there is a lot of potential changes coming up in the next few months. But none of these changes mean that whatever is happening has to stop. Instead, I realise now, these opportunities mean that there is development. And development can never be a bad thing, both personally and relational.

So there we have it, I took the plunge and sank like a lead balloon. But listen readers, if these is a guy or lady who you are interested in, let them know. I give you this advice because the worst that can happen is that they knock you back. And when you are in the situation, you think that could be life-ending. But let me tell you, the view from down here is great, and the only possible direction from here is up.

Let me leave you this cute and quite funny picture which popped onto my facebook timeline while writing this post. It perfectly sums up how people and God must see my situation from the posts on this blog. I hope you all have a wonderful week, and remember to keep competition entries coming in to the email address.

C, x.

PS: to the guy involved, you know who you are. 🙂 I do truly apologise for blurting stuff out. But I do hope that you read this and smile and how stupid I am. x